Do I Trust You, Lord?

Unless our parents die while they are young, we all face caring for aging parents. For me, taking care of my mom has been part of my life since I was a teen. Not always physically, but emotionally. She is divorced and has lived alone for many years. And I have often been more than her daughter -- I have been her friend, confidant and emotional support.

Up until a couple of years ago, Mom, who just turned 94, still drove, went to House of Mercy, a rehab center for young women, and rocked babies in their nursery every weekday, and she did all her own shopping and housekeeping.

In the spring of 2013, she moved to a local retirement complex to assisted living. But, even then, for many months the only assistance she needed was three meals a day. Then in December 2014, she suffered several compression fractures of vertebrae, which are very painful. These were a result of osteoporosis. (Take care of your bones, girl friends!) Since then, it’s been a struggle. And she recently had a recurrence of compression fractures.

She is now in the nursing care area of her facility. We are hoping this is rehab, and she will eventually be able to go back to her assisted living apartment. But at 94, you never know.

Taking care of an ailing and aging parent, even when he or she is in a retirement facility, can become a full-time commitment. You become the conduit for their socialization outside of the facility, as well as their personal shopper, bookkeeper, and their transportation to doctors’ appointments and more.

Her need for me makes me hesitant to travel. It seems that when I leave town, something happens. She breaks her partial plate, or worse, she breaks vertebrae. So I am torn. I am retired, and I’ve worked hard all my life. I like to travel, both in the country and abroad, and the fact is, I’m not getting any younger either. I do not know how many more years I will want to or be able to travel. I also love to do things with my grandchildren and visit my adult children and their families in Oklahoma and New Jersey.

But my Mom needs me.

In many ways, this anxiety is not much different than the anxiety I sometimes had over leaving my children when they were very young. It’s always the “what ifs” that cause my anxiety.

What it comes down to is trust. Even if I stay in town all the time, my Mom will someday die. It’s a fact we don’t like, but it’s no secret that none of us gets out of here alive. And staying home won’t change that.

Someone has counted the number of times the words “do not fear” are in the Bible. They say the count is 365. That means one for every day of the year. Do I trust God, working through the care staff where she is, to take care of my Mom? Can I relinquish my fears? I cannot be with her 24/7, even if I never leave town. At this point, I am not capable of giving her the medical care she needs to heal and recover, so there is already a certain amount of trust needed. What if something happens and I am not here?

Choosing trust and giving up fear is truly a choice. I choose to trust you, God. I make that choice daily. And I thank you for your peace.

This is my prayer, from “Fragments of your Ancient Name” by Joyce Rupp:

Calm Sea of Peace

On occasion, I am a ship in stormy waters,

Tossed about by troubling thoughts,

Rocked harshly with emotional waves.

I am a ship searching for a calmer voyage

On the smooth surface of eventual surrender.

Protect me on the rough and roiling breakers

Of difficulties that agitate and fling me around.

Calm the patterns of distressful undulation

Tossing me to and fro in life’s unwanted events.

Sail my ship on the calm sea of your peace.